We discussed......

The clouds were hiding the evening sun. It seemed later than it actually was. A shadow cast through the door generated a cool reflective feeling. The cushion rested against my back. My mother lay on the divan.
I was amazed at how much I had grown up. I was struck at how responsible I felt. I was surprised how coolly I thought and expressed. We talked like we never had before. She didn't stop me once from speaking the way I did. She didn't have anything contrary to say to the way I felt about love, relationships and marriage. Of course she thought that the idea of not marrying ever was ridiculous but she didn't dwell upon it for long.
On the other hand I was so cool at expressing what I felt. Not for once did I fear what she or my dad would feel about the opinions I had on some important facets of life. Not for once did I hesitate to speak up. I just kept saying what I felt honestly. I heard what they had to say. We didn't argue for once. We did what I had asked for a long time. We discussed.

I looked at her.......

The heart beats fast....the nerves are taut....the smile never fades....hopes seem high....I FEEL I'M ON TOP OF THE WORLD!!!!!
The first time I saw her I thought she was smart. The second time I looked she seemed cute. A third time she felt so beautiful. A fourth time I felt she was intelligent. And so it kept happening. The last time I saw her I knew she was mine.
I can't say much more now. I can't express any more for now. Things around seem indescribable. My heart, I know not why, is racing so fast. And all this after I looked at her.

Highs and Lows

I am slipping in and out of reality. O! I don’t want to drift away. I want to pay attention to whatever she’s telling. God! I don’t want her to understand. Oh is that what the British did to the nationalist newspapers during their Raj? That’s so atrocious. But what did they do? Never mind. I’m feeling happy. Oh! Being happy is such an awesome feeling. No tensions. No thoughts. Life’s absolutely perfect. I can face anything. Trust me. I can fight anything. Aha! I’ve heard about that paper. Amrita Bazar Patrika is familiar to me. Didn’t they give a huge advertisement of the founder of ABP a few days back in The Telegraph? But why did they give the advertisement? Was it his birth anniversary or his death anniversary? Should I ask her? Oh no! Not at all. She will understand. Gosh! Harsh is feeling it too. Ahuh!! But he must be habituated to feeling like this in the class. Yeah he’s smiling too like I’m. and look at Rahul. He’s got no work but to grin at me and my condition.

Oh! I got to write about this experience. Seriously I must. This is the first time I’ve done this in class. Man! It’s awesome! Cool! Oh! I’ve a question. How come the missionaries brought out a nationalist newspaper? But I shouldn’t ask her. Someone else should. God! She’s looking at me. God! She must have understood. Shit! O but she didn’t say anything. Eh! Neepa ask her this question. Silly girl! She says she won’t ask her the question. Why? ‘Cuz she doesn’t want to talk to her. How silly! But it’s okay. Some other time. Oh! Why isn’t the bell ringing? I want to sleep. I want to slip into nothingness. I want to rest. Totally. There goes the bell.

Chayan is pissed with me a li’l bit. He says he thought I was his brother. I’ve disappointed him. He thought we would do it together whenever we did it. But this time it was just me and not him. I’m so touched. I’m sorry brother! But I can’t explain to you how free I’m today than I was maybe two years ago. How confident I feel about every decision I take! I purposely inhaled from the roll Harsh made. It was my decision. I feel freer when I make these freaky decisions. Oh buddy if only I could explain this to you. But now I’m too happy to be emotional. But you’ll be my brother always re! We’ll roll together next time and have it together. Aha! This is the happiest moment of my life. My heart isn’t beating. Its dancing just like the waves at sea. So cool. So calm. So serene. That’s exactly what I’m feeling. Serene and content.

A disturbance. A promise.

I have been reading ‘The Kite Runner’ by Khaled Hosseini and I saw ‘MP3’(Mera Pehla Pehla Pyar) and this has caused a clash of emotions within me and a torrent of disturbing thoughts heaving in my heart.

The book is disturbing, ripping, disconcerting, distressing in more ways than one and while the film is such a happy romantic one, it still disturbs me. May be the film isn’t practical at all and the book is too practical. Practicality is something which I’ve always adored and lived up to but isn’t anyone allowed dreams come true like MP3?

I know you just don’t run from Delhi to Paris in order to acknowledge your love when you are only 18 but then why can’t we? Why don’t we do something crazy for the sake of love? Why do people scorn at us when we want to do something that’s out of the usual norm? Why does society have to question every step that we take in life? And when we don’t care for society our family dissuades us through emotional blackmail. And why so? ‘Cuz each individual in our families is insecure. They are afraid that may be one out-of-the-ordinary step will change life for something dangerous. But it’s a foolish fear. It’s only the fear of unknown alleys and untrodden paths. When it had been their chance to take a path less trodden they were either afraid to take the plunge or were dissuaded from doing so and today they do it to us. They try to dissuade us.

Why does everyone have to be so practical? Why can’t we just dream for once? Why can’t we dream of those unfulfilled fantasies that we might have wanted? Why do we only have to be practical for just that petty material gain? I understand we get to lead a more leisurely life with our filled wallets and huge bank balances but what satisfaction does one derive? Only the green or yellow colour that slips out of the wallet becomes the colour of our life. As if there exists no other colour.

For a while, for Amir , his own gains were the most important ambitions of his life until he came across the truth of Hassan while for Rohan, his dreams or the playful lack of it, his friends and his love were all the happiness that he could live with forever. Personally I want to be Rohan but unfortunately I see myself following the footsteps of Amir. But sooner rather than later things will change. I promise.

Lost 'n' Lonely

I’m lost in a crowd
I’ve nowhere to go
There’s no one to turn to
There’s no familiarity so

No heart beats for me
No feelings in my favour
No hands to hold me
No emotions to savour

I feel choked
I feel frettered
I am restrained
I am tethered

The terrain is not known to me
Unfriendly vibes strike my walk
I find not a caring touch
No soothing voice to talk

So much in me to give
Ways in which to love
But like a loner I look around
Yet unable to share my love.

It Hurts....

It hurts the most when friends hurt. I can't elaborate more on this 'cuz I don't want the world to know who hurt me and for what but still I had to bring out my feelings and so am writin it here. When friends refuse to understand you. When they just don't wanna feel the way you do. When they expect you to understand 'em without 'em ever feeling your way. IT HURTS! Dammit it hurts real bad!!
But I can never make 'em understand....never....my bad luck!!

The Security of an Insecure

Exams are knockin' at the door, the windows, and every other possible openin' around me while I'm spending blissfully sleepy nights. Lohita must have revised the extensive details of the content of the syllabus 5 times already and Farah must be learning all possible diagrams. Opashona must have all topics by heart while Jiver has already practised how to approach answers, over and over again. Anirban will anyway get a decent percentage, Jhumri and Sima are already panicking about what they haven't finished though what they haven't finished is actually directly proportional to what I have. Rageshri has all the notes of all the worthy and not-so-worthy professors. Neepa didn't have much of a problem with attendance this time, which means she's finally serious about her exams and Chayan is already askin' so many questions of which I've no idea. Eerie has already decided he's gonna show to all and sundry that even a month and a half's absence cannot stop him from proving that he's one of the best (Mr. V.P. watch out!!!). Sneha is the Super-Girl. Whenever and whatever she studies she'll get Super-Marks. Ratheeji is gonna score remarkably well as usual and even Robin is goin' to rock.
As far as I'm concerned, this time round I'm absolutely sure I'm gonna be right at the bottom. On all the previous occasions I've been doubtful whether or not I'm gonna score badly but this time my soul and spirit tells me that all doubts have been put to rest and I'm gonna............(can't even think about it!!!!..........)